I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Sniffing the broccoli
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?