I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.