Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*