Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong