Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?