no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor