I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?