So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I support this random dude and all his protests
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME