[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
☺️
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.