The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
this has to be peak English
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.