“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”