April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
You Might Also Like
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.