Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.