I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am