My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.