This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*