Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’