The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50