doing your own taxes
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.