optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
grotesque if literal: baby food
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”