Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *