*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.