Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Give a baker flours on your first date.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.