She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My blood type is coffee.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”