Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony