[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
You can’t rush stupid.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My love language is hissing.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP