A French press is when you hug naked
You Might Also Like
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done