thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.