Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
.. do you even science?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.