Love this guy
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am