Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
You Might Also Like
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Planet of the Apps.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees