Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring