[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
50 shades of grey = my Liver
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶