Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.