[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.