All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You Might Also Like
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough