bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.