airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I am, perchance
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?