I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You Might Also Like
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Camping tip: No.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
God, I love Scotland
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?