A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
You Might Also Like
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
drew a comic about my origin story
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.