My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.