My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
i really liked this one
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“i miss shittin on people”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is