Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
If only.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly