Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Hitlers gonna hitl
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.