4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS