Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.