When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The best plant holders?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.