Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
You are what you delete.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.