Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.