If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.